Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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