Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
