After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize