as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
