Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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