I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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