I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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