he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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