Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I did not marry a roomba.
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