I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
