Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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