you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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