I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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