I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
