dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
