How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
