Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
