Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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