I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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