I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
