someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
