Michael Bay diarrhea
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
