Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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