Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you traded sex for a burrito?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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