I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I CAN MOONWALK!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
