Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can I color on your dick again?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
