Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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