I didn't shave. On purpose
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
