im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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