Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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