Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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