My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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