The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize