Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
