please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They took my balls.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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