You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
