Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
