You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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