If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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