i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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