Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
