I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
