When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
