How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
