I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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