i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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