I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
