come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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