I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
