apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
