He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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