Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
