I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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