i think i have two assholes
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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