Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
