theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
