just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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