Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
