If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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