My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
